Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.

I drew y’all a little something.

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.