interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
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Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
sailors wish they could swear like me
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay