Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

😭😭

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport