Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
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WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
💀🤣
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Guilty! 🤪
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.