Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.