Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

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Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house