INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
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Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.