I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
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Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.