Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

Me: *wearing white shirt*

Every food in the universe: GET HIM!

The Weeknd is back

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃