Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!

me: you know that’s not true, Patsy

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.