Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.