Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

If you are reading this then you are reading this

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

Got him!

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.