INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!