INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
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[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Sell your car
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
My dream car is a taco truck.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.