INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
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Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
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