—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
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Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
My new favorite headline
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.