Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
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*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.
Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real