Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
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Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.