Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

he’s a little confused but he got the spirit

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.