Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

Jesus steals the winter solstice

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]