Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”