Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

Icarus loved hot wings.

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious