Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
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Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.