Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
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Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.