Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

The photographer’s assistant

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.