Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
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Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?