Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*