Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
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Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Feel. He’s so soft.
Favourite diary entry ever
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”