Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
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My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.