Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
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ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends