Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.

I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.

*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

Date: Are you winking or blinking?

Cyclops: I do not know.

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

Just say no

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.