interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
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How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]