interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
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MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
