Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
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Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Note to self: always read the final line
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.