Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
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[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
me at the job i begged god for
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.