Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
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Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
no regrets
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Legend 🤣🤣
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries