Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
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Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.