Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
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Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Human are so complicated
