Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.

It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”