Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

Worth the read.

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter