Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
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Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
on da cob, we all corn
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”