Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

Mountain Goat : )

lmao

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

who named him groot and not spruce lee

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.