Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

I mean…but I did

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree