Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
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Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Last-minute gift idea!
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.