Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.