Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
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*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.