Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months