Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

inventing words: clothing

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS