Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

A woman drives into a bar.

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

Stick it to the man

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

[at Taco Bell]

Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE

Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.