Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
You Might Also Like
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.