@onion_an

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

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@drugleaf

the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree

@heapsOhate

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

@noahapaul

this is the funniest wrong number text i’ve ever gotten

@ehdannyboy

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

@_Shizzle

I went on a date with a girl I met from twitter once. It didn’t work out, but he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.

@Dawn_M_

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

@mrjohndarby

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

@HiddleDeeDee

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

@BoogTweets

Want to feel old? Touch my grandpa, five bucks each. No weirdos