the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
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*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
this is the funniest wrong number text i’ve ever gotten
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I went on a date with a girl I met from twitter once. It didn’t work out, but he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Want to feel old? Touch my grandpa, five bucks each. No weirdos