Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
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Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.