@tweetsbyrocket

interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

- @tweetsbyrocket

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@TweetPotato314

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

@thechrisschmidt

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

@abhorrent_wife

*looks up from phone*

“Kids!! we’re leaving the playground in 22 percent.”

@SonOfCha

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

@gorrdano

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

@EmissaryKerry

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

@IvoryGazelle

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

@TheGladStork

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.