She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.
She just gave you her stomach virus.
interviewer: how are you with excel?
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then
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ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!!
*holds up severed head
The crowd stared in horror as the National Spelling Bee contest took a morbid twist.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”