99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
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Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.