@tweetsbyrocket

interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

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@Jandalize

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

@EpicurusRising

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!!

*holds up severed head

The crowd stared in horror as the National Spelling Bee contest took a morbid twist.

@UnFitz

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

@Donna_McCoy

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

@LindaInDisguise

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

@FrazzleMyGimp

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

@elle91

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

@valerie_tosi

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”