interviewer: how are you with excel

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

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When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”


A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.


Me: *trying to sleep
Brain: He said you were pretty
Me: *smiles
Brain: but not beautiful


It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.


[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]


My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.


“GO SPORTS!” -how I cheer for all sports


I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.


Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.