“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
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Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My body is a temple
for potatoes.