@james_comics

interviewer: how are you with excel

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

You Might Also Like

@jwoodham

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

@Prero22

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

@justmeundead

Me: *trying to sleep
Brain: He said you were pretty
Me: *smiles
Brain: but not beautiful

@better_off_dad

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

@flashember

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

@zwina_summer

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

@

“GO SPORTS!” -how I cheer for all sports

@Parkerlawyer

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

@juliussharpe

Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.