“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
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Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Penguins walking in 5x speed
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Yes