Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
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PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I think I’ll stand
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
