Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
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jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
had to share :’)
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
