Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

Body by sandwich.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain