Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete