@DaddyJew

Interviewer: how competitive are you?

Me: not very

Interviewer: neither am I

Me: nice…but I’m less competitive

Interviewer: how competitive are you?

Me: not very

Interviewer: neither am I

Me: nice…but I’m less competitive

- @DaddyJew

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@werehedgehog

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

@Smooheed

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

@JayCee302

Me: Yeah man, got her right where I want her

Bartender: Oh yeah?

Me: Yup, sitting at home while the cable man works on th

::rushes home::

@DrakeGatsby

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

@ElizaBayne

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

@Marlebean

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

@PatsATweetin

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

@daemonic3

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog