[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
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Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
subtitles are so good nowadays
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”