Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
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I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
fr
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next