Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

This rocks

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.

Me:

Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

🍛

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies