interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
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I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
are they though??
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”