Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
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My apartment is a mess, I should move
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
thinking about this
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.