Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
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My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My kitchen overserved me.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island