Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
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A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.