Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?