Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
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Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
How to wake up a Beagle
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Hard not to take this personally
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret