@KylePlantEmoji

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

You Might Also Like

@ArfMeasures

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

@wickedsuga

If the shoe fits… congratulations.
You’ve correctly measured your feet.

@sploosk

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

@Marcmywords2

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

@marinhubka

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

@GrowlyGrego

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

@Reverend_Scott

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

@jwoodham

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

@johnbiehl

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”