COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
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If the shoe fits… congratulations.
You’ve correctly measured your feet.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”