@KylePlantEmoji

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

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@truegritrumble

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

@PaperWash

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

@squirrel74wkgn

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

@Trillburne

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

@Rainbowbunee

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

@david8hughes

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

@RonDanChan

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

@ArfMeasures

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

@tastefactory

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo