Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
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Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Anime is real
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
a New Yorker reject, for you
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”