Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
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Noted.
he chose this
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
she has a point
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”