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@OllyiConic

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

@Marcmywords2

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

@dkn33c

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

@MrGirlDad

After only four hours of deliberation, our toddler has returned a verdict of “not sleepy”.

@BruceForce

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

@SwoonTwang

I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.

@theames

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

@DeathStarPR

Stormtroopers never miss. They’re just trained to fire a 21 shot salute to celebrate the commencement of every firefight.

@KalvinMacleod

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

@TheBoydP

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.