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Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”


People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.


my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.


After only four hours of deliberation, our toddler has returned a verdict of “not sleepy”.


I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!


I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.


Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.


Stormtroopers never miss. They’re just trained to fire a 21 shot salute to celebrate the commencement of every firefight.


I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*


Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.